Marriage Monday: Overcoming Boredom and Apathy

This is another challenging topic at Marriage Monday but because I missed a couple of topics already, I can no longer skip this one. So I must face it and be able to come up with something worth sharing here with my marriage of 15 years. I think even the marriages experience boredom and indifference sometimes.  Our first goal in marriage should be to keep the marriage exciting like the first moments we knew each other. But if boredom sets in, what should we do?

Having fun together as a couple will keep the romance and the union exciting. Although sometimes hubby doesn't want to go out, we can just have fun together at home like having movie marathon while enjoying our favorite food or just having tea together while chatting. Going places at least once a year also rekindles our happy moments together just like when we were sweethearts yet. Building memories together can seal your love for each other and it will help prevent boredom. But there are really times that one gets bored in marriage. In times like this, what should we do to set it off and to keep the fire burning?

First, identify what's causing your boredom with your husband. It might be something that you cannot change in his behavior or character. Of course, it's not easy to change a person and it's always easier to change our own perspective. So when this happens, it's better to shift our focus on his strengths, not on his weaknesses.

One effective way for me to bring back the warmth and excitement into our marriage is giving myself a break. For instance, I go out with friends for a dinner, shopping or just hanging out with them talking. I even go for a night out with special friends sometimes. Once I  feel relieved and recharged, I go back home more loving and caring. We, women, sometimes need a vent out or a release of overwhelming stresses and undefined emotions. Unloading ourselves to some trusted friends can ease us and make us back to our self again or be a better wife with the insights gained from sensible friends.

One ultimate and best way of overcoming boredom and apathy in marriage is through reflection and prayer. If I feel like I'm sick and tired about hubby, I pause a while and reflect then say a prayer asking God to let me see the beauty of His gift of marriage, to let me overcome my feeling of boredom. I also ask God to remind me how good it felt to be just around him during the first days, months and years of being sweethearts and at the onset of our marriage and to let Him bring back that kind of feeling. Also, getting down on our knees together as husband and wife makes both of us recognize our vulnerability in our marriage that only God can keep us together, forever despite our differences and weaknesses. 

Have a wonderful Marriage Monday, everyone! (Better late than never:) 

Communicating Effectively in Marriage

           Today's topic at Marriage Monday is one key factor in making a relationship work (or ruining it) - COMMUNICATION. Communicating effectively in whatever kind of relationship, especially with someone you want to spend the rest of your life, takes a great deal of practice and effort. Here are just 3 but useful tips on how to communicate effectively in marriage whether in solving conflicts or simply planning for the family:

1. Find a perfect timing.  This may sound simplistic but first of all, if you want to get your spouse to discuss with you attentively and productively particularly on crucial matters, learn to time it when you think your spouse is in the best mood to talk with you. For example, if your spouse has just arrived from work and is very tired or hungry, s/he may need some time to relax and eat first before s/he can engage with you for a talk. Read your spouse's nuances and body language to get a perfect timing to communicate especially in dealing with serious and sensitive matters. It is also good to schedule a regular time to talk to each other. Some successful couples I know (including my parents who will be celebrating their golden wedding anniversary next year) do it every dawn when they are well rested and  their minds are still fresh so that they can think very well.  


2. Focus on the issue/s. Couples can resolve conflicts more easily if they stay focused on the issue. If there's more than one issue on a problem, resolve them one by one. Don't leave any issues unresolved or it may worsen the situation or it may lead to another problem. If it can't be solved at one sitting, it should be made clear to both parties that the rest of the issues will be discussed later. Focusing on the issues after identifying and recognizing them also help save time and come up with more sound solution to the problem.

Photo from petertheplanner.com

3. Learn to compromise. The best solution to any problem is a Win-win situation but if it's not possible, as couples are two different individuals with different tastes, values, backgrounds, upbringings, etc., it is only by compromising that they can ultimately resolve a conflict. One may win in an argument and feel great but s/he may alienate the other. In Christian model of marriage, however, living under God's authority includes benefits and sacrifices for both partners, which in most cases involve ego and selfishness. If you truly love your spouse, then you may sacrifice your ego or yourself for the sake of solving a conflict or saving a relationship.
      "All compromise is based on give and take, but there can be no give and take on fundamentals. Any compromise on mere fundamentals is a surrender. For it is all give and no take," Mohandas Gandhi wisely puts it which is applicable to all relationships and in  communications. There are even times when we just need to be an "listener" but not necessary to say anything. Again, if both partners believe in the Christian perspective that "it is better to give than to receive," then there will be less conflicts in the relationship as both are willing to give, give, give.

Of course, the common denominator of all these three tips revolve around LOVE and RESPECT, the foundations of any marriage. You find a perfect timing because you love and respect your spouse. The same is true with focusing on the issue so you won't accuse your spouse of any baseless and irrelevant issues and call him/her names. And you compromise because of your love and respect for your partner. So if there's true love and mutual respect in both parties when communicating, screaming or hurting each other, or worse - parting ways - will be avoided.

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