One of the greatest blessings in marriage is enjoying sex. But how come there are many broken marriages because of dissatisfaction in this kind of gift? In their book, Intended for Pleasure, Ed and Gay Wheat point out the reasons why many couples are not satisfied. One big reason, according to them, is the lack of communication between husband and wife. Especially in Asian culture like ours, talking about sex seems like a taboo. Openness regarding sex would be regarded vulgar. So, even if one party is not happy in bed, s/he would just keep it to her/himself until the issue becomes worse or worst.
One wife whose husband left her explained that she regretted she was too frigid in bed that her husband had to look for another partner. As it is her wifely duty to fulfill such basic need of her husband, she should have asked for counselling when she started to feel the problem. But again, counseling in our culture is not known as most of us are so reserved opening up our private issues. If only she was open to her husband regarding her frigidity in sex, they could have solved it before the marriage collapsed. The husband warned her many times but she ignored it and that was only the time she sought help yet it's too late.
There are other couples out there who are suffering from dissatisfaction in this God's gift to marriage. Just to keep the relationship even if they're not happy in this area, they stay together. But being open in communication to improve each other's performance in bed in order to satisfy each other, they should follow Ed and Gay Wheat's advice. Husband and I both read the book and we both benefit from it. After reading it when we were just married, it has become easy for us to affirm each other such as what feels good and what we can improve or try next time. So hubby and I have no inhibitions in this area of married life. We also followed their advice that there is a need to precondition the act such as giving signals earlier. For example, a phone call at lunch suggesting it or simple sweet gestures as preludes to condition the wife. Remember, women's sexual psyche is different from men's so it takes some time to set their mood for sex. Men should be sensitive about this need. Some men don't know this magic of romance they can do outside the bed. Any annoyances they might have caused during the day would affect their wife's response and performance. There is a lot to learn from this bestseller so I recommend this book especially to those struggling about this issue and to the newly-weds so they can truly enjoy God's gift to the union of husband and wife - intended for pleasure.
Do a blog hop to enjoy more about this topic by visiting Marriage Monday over at Chrysalis where thinking Christian women meet every 1st and 3rd Mondays of the month.
Showing posts with label Communication in Marriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Communication in Marriage. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Monday, September 12, 2011
Communicating Effectively in Marriage
Today's topic at Marriage Monday is one key factor in making a relationship work (or ruining it) - COMMUNICATION. Communicating effectively in whatever kind of relationship, especially with someone you want to spend the rest of your life, takes a great deal of practice and effort. Here are just 3 but useful tips on how to communicate effectively in marriage whether in solving conflicts or simply planning for the family:
1. Find a perfect timing. This may sound simplistic but first of all, if you want to get your spouse to discuss with you attentively and productively particularly on crucial matters, learn to time it when you think your spouse is in the best mood to talk with you. For example, if your spouse has just arrived from work and is very tired or hungry, s/he may need some time to relax and eat first before s/he can engage with you for a talk. Read your spouse's nuances and body language to get a perfect timing to communicate especially in dealing with serious and sensitive matters. It is also good to schedule a regular time to talk to each other. Some successful couples I know (including my parents who will be celebrating their golden wedding anniversary next year) do it every dawn when they are well rested and their minds are still fresh so that they can think very well.
2. Focus on the issue/s. Couples can resolve conflicts more easily if they stay focused on the issue. If there's more than one issue on a problem, resolve them one by one. Don't leave any issues unresolved or it may worsen the situation or it may lead to another problem. If it can't be solved at one sitting, it should be made clear to both parties that the rest of the issues will be discussed later. Focusing on the issues after identifying and recognizing them also help save time and come up with more sound solution to the problem.
3. Learn to compromise. The best solution to any problem is a Win-win situation but if it's not possible, as couples are two different individuals with different tastes, values, backgrounds, upbringings, etc., it is only by compromising that they can ultimately resolve a conflict. One may win in an argument and feel great but s/he may alienate the other. In Christian model of marriage, however, living under God's authority includes benefits and sacrifices for both partners, which in most cases involve ego and selfishness. If you truly love your spouse, then you may sacrifice your ego or yourself for the sake of solving a conflict or saving a relationship.
"All compromise is based on give and take, but there can be no give and take on fundamentals. Any compromise on mere fundamentals is a surrender. For it is all give and no take," Mohandas Gandhi wisely puts it which is applicable to all relationships and in communications. There are even times when we just need to be an "listener" but not necessary to say anything. Again, if both partners believe in the Christian perspective that "it is better to give than to receive," then there will be less conflicts in the relationship as both are willing to give, give, give.
Of course, the common denominator of all these three tips revolve around LOVE and RESPECT, the foundations of any marriage. You find a perfect timing because you love and respect your spouse. The same is true with focusing on the issue so you won't accuse your spouse of any baseless and irrelevant issues and call him/her names. And you compromise because of your love and respect for your partner. So if there's true love and mutual respect in both parties when communicating, screaming or hurting each other, or worse - parting ways - will be avoided.
Check out more interesting posts written by God-loving and intelligent women by clicking the button below:
1. Find a perfect timing. This may sound simplistic but first of all, if you want to get your spouse to discuss with you attentively and productively particularly on crucial matters, learn to time it when you think your spouse is in the best mood to talk with you. For example, if your spouse has just arrived from work and is very tired or hungry, s/he may need some time to relax and eat first before s/he can engage with you for a talk. Read your spouse's nuances and body language to get a perfect timing to communicate especially in dealing with serious and sensitive matters. It is also good to schedule a regular time to talk to each other. Some successful couples I know (including my parents who will be celebrating their golden wedding anniversary next year) do it every dawn when they are well rested and their minds are still fresh so that they can think very well.
2. Focus on the issue/s. Couples can resolve conflicts more easily if they stay focused on the issue. If there's more than one issue on a problem, resolve them one by one. Don't leave any issues unresolved or it may worsen the situation or it may lead to another problem. If it can't be solved at one sitting, it should be made clear to both parties that the rest of the issues will be discussed later. Focusing on the issues after identifying and recognizing them also help save time and come up with more sound solution to the problem.
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| Photo from petertheplanner.com |
"All compromise is based on give and take, but there can be no give and take on fundamentals. Any compromise on mere fundamentals is a surrender. For it is all give and no take," Mohandas Gandhi wisely puts it which is applicable to all relationships and in communications. There are even times when we just need to be an "listener" but not necessary to say anything. Again, if both partners believe in the Christian perspective that "it is better to give than to receive," then there will be less conflicts in the relationship as both are willing to give, give, give.
Of course, the common denominator of all these three tips revolve around LOVE and RESPECT, the foundations of any marriage. You find a perfect timing because you love and respect your spouse. The same is true with focusing on the issue so you won't accuse your spouse of any baseless and irrelevant issues and call him/her names. And you compromise because of your love and respect for your partner. So if there's true love and mutual respect in both parties when communicating, screaming or hurting each other, or worse - parting ways - will be avoided.
Check out more interesting posts written by God-loving and intelligent women by clicking the button below:
