Monday, March 7, 2011

When mistrust clouds marriage

Trust is a key element in marriage. When mistrust clouds the marriage, the marital journey will become shaky. A woman I know has just left her husband to have a space for breathing and to seek herself in a far away country for a while.  She related that she has felt being choked by the ways her husband shows mistrust to her. Even an SMS which came from an unnamed number but actually it was from her cousin caused a very big trouble as the angry husband called that number cursing the sender, to the embarrassment of his innocent wife. Mistrust sparks jealousy. But then, such mistrust is deep-rooted and can be explained from the mistrusting person's past experiences and background. This woman explained to me that her husband was once broken-hearted for discovering that his first wife was cheating on him. I explained to her that he hasn't moved on yet with that deep hurt and he might be so afraid that she would also do the same so she should always understand him and  assure him. I also suggested that she should always appreciate her husband for being such a good provider so that he can rebuild his trust. She will get back to rejoin her husband soon and promised to be more understanding, patient and appreciative.

Why is it important to keep reassuring each other in marriage? Because men are generally of few words than women, many husbands do not know how to express their appreciation towards their wife. But it is good for both spouses to practice what the Bible says: Proverbs 18:22 - He who finds a wife, finds a good thing and obtains favor of God. The husband must, therefore, prove it so by communicating or expressing it to her. Women love to be assured of and hear this again and again yet many men don't realize this need. Constant communication builds trust,  which needs to be established over time especially for individuals who have past painful experiences causing them to mistrust others including their spouse. Wives should do the same, reassuring their husband of their love.

Of course, assurance or words should be coupled with action. If the husband reaffirms his love to his wife by whispering, "I love you", but he does not show it in deed, how can the wife trust him? Or if the wife says, "Im so sorry", but keeps repeating the same mistake, how can the husband believe and trust her? Well, another important marriage element comes in - forgiveness. When Peter asked Jesus how many times he has to forgive, He answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times." (Matthew 8:28). And Jesus did forgive Peter even if he betrayed Him several times. Because married people stay closest  together more than any other people, they should learn this principle of untiring forgiveness when things go wrong so that they will last forever. I would like to end this post with this inspiring thought for a relationship where the man is from Mars and the woman is from Venus:

Oh, the comfort - the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person - having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all right out, just as they are, chaff and grain together; certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then with the breath of kindness blow the rest away.
Dinah Craik, A Life for a Life, 1859

Be inspired with more encouraging posts at Chrysalis hosted by e-Mom.


e-Mom said...

You've obviously thought a great deal about trust! I'm so sorry for your friends and the marital stress they are currently facing. I do pray your friend returns to her husband, and they seek counsel. Both of them need help to overcome his past.

I was thinking about the power of forgiveness too, and the 70 x 7 passage in Matthew. It's a powerful admonition, but not easily achieved without support. However, you're right. Forgiveness IS the solution to all heart wounds, especially where one's trust has been violated.

I enjoyed the quote by Dinah Clark. Pearls!

Thanks for joining us for Marriage Monday today, Nice A!

Blessings, e-Mom

P.S. For some reason your link at Chrysalis is not working. I'll see what I can do to fix it. If I can't, I'll relink your post. ღ

Jona said...

you're right, trust is a key element in marriage. i'm glad that trust is easy between me and hubby :D
my Marriage Monday
A Time To Weep and A Time To Laugh

nice A said...

@e-Mom, first off, thank you for fixing my link. I don't know what went wrong.
Second, thank you very much for your very nice comment.
Lastly, I like the idea of twice a month MM posting. This is a meme that makes a lot of sense so I love it and its frequency should be made more impactful.

nice A said...

@Jona, I'm glad that you and your hubby have no problem about trusting each other. I'm also glad that God has helped us through our hard times in our marriage. I will go read your post shortly.
God bless you and your family always.

Mac an Rothaich said...

Thanks for your post. My dad had trust issues and regularly tried to push my mother away to prove his history with women right. She understood this and was such a witness to me in that she REFUSED to prove him right, what a strong woman... it must have been so tempting to give in with such mistrust and pressure to fail and 'reveal the true nature of a woman'... REASSURANCE IS ABSOLUTELY IMPORTANT in words and action! I greatly appreciated your views.

tonya said...

I agree that constant communication builds trust! Thanks for sharing!

nice A said...

@Mac an Rothaich, I'm glad that your mom refused to prove your dad right. Thanks for sharing.

@Tonya, sure, constant communication really builds trust. Thanks for stopping by.

Julie Arduini said...

This is a beautiful post, I love your heart for marriage. One book I suggest to others who are wanting affirmation about their spouse's love is the Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. I know I start to feel negative when I'm not receiving words of affirmation, and that's my language. I'm so glad there is so much Christian material for marriages out there.

I also appreciate the kind, sweet words you left on my post. You really blessed me and I pray a ten fold blessing back on you and your ministry. Thank you for reading my blog.


kim said...

sometimes, not trusting your partner enough has something to do with your self esteem. if a person has a low self esteem, he,himself, doesn't know how valuable he is to his partner,thus, to be kept and cherished..

nice A said...

@julie, thanks for your book suggestion. I'll try looking for it.

@kim, true, trust has also something to do with the person'r self-esteem. Thanks for stopping by. You may want to join Marriage Monday next time. It's now twice a month but I failed to join this week because of my out-of-town schedules.

Soulful said...

that is so sad, i know of a couple who broke up because of lack of trust, i hope you will have time to check this one out, this is a true story

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